


Yellow Bird

by Exterminatorviolence



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Character Death, Experimental Style, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-20
Updated: 2015-10-20
Packaged: 2018-04-27 05:13:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5035138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Exterminatorviolence/pseuds/Exterminatorviolence
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yellow bird: A person's true love; the one person they are both externally and internally, both consciously and subconsciously attached to. The warm yellow light, the happiness, between two people in love.<br/><br/><i>You're the yellow bird that I've been waiting for...</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Yellow Bird

**Author's Note:**

> I've been really melancholy lately, kinda just, more sad than usual, and I wrote this very experimental piece while watching the Pats and Colts game last night. Yes, I'm, surprisingly enough, a huge football fanatic.  
>   
> Based off the song [Poison Oak](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjHACWmO0jQ) by Bright Eyes. This is absolutely my one of my favorite songs ever and come January I'm planning to get a tattoo of a yellow bird perched in a silver wreath.  
>   
> kveikur (or sofdrink now) wrote a story based off the same song. Find that [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2331158).  
>   
> Trigger warning for suicide and implied depression.

_I uh, I knew Ray for a long time. As kids, we were best friends. Actually, one of the first good memories I have is with him._

 

      “I told you, you were gonna get poison oak, idiot,” A ten year old Ray says as a fourteen year old Joel climbs back down from the roof. “It wasn’t even worth it,”

Joel laughs and ruffles Ray’s hair. “I’ll be fine, squirt, just a little rash is all,” He hands him the blue frisbee.

Ray slaps the hand out of his hair and fixes his glasses. “Thanks though, for getting the frisbee back. My mom can probably put something on that for you,”

“It’s cool, dude, really.” Joel waves him off. “What would you do without your brave friend, huh?”

He rolls his eyes at his friend and they walk back inside. “Do you still wanna stay over?”

“Of course,” Joel slings an arm over the younger’s shoulders.

Ray smiles up at him. “So I made something today,”

“Oh yeah?” Joel opens the backdoor and lets Ray in first.

“Yeah,” He nods, and leads Joel up the stairs, into his room. He pulls two tin cans connected by a string out from under his bed. “My cousin said she used to have one. I thought it was cool. I dunno if they really work or not.”

Before they really get a chance to test the tin cans out, Ray's mom comes home, making them do their homework before starting dinner.

They get the chance again at eleven thirty. Both boys are lying side by side, facing each other, in sleeping bags. Joel has a band aid spread over his forearm. They’re talking through the tin can telephone again.

“I’m happy that you stayed over.” Ray says quietly.

Joel smiles and asks, “Why wouldn’t I?”

A shrug. “I dunno, maybe you’ve gotten bored of me,” He looks down, embarrassed.

Joel frowns a little. “I’ll never get bored of you.”

He shrugs again. “I’m just some ten year old weirdo. You’re a teenager.”

“You’re more mature than a lot of teenagers I know.” When Ray doesn’t respond, he adds, “You know you’re my best friend, right?”

Ray sighs. “Yeah. I guess I’m just afraid of losing you.”

“You’ll never lose me, Ray.” Joel assures. He tries to lighten the mood then and says, “Besides, you’re also afraid of like, bugs and heights.”

Ray makes an indignant noise. “Bugs have way too many legs! They move around so fast and heights are just...” He shudders.

Joel laughs. “You’re afraid of everything.”

“Am not!”

“Yeah? What aren’t you afraid of then?” He asks, rolling his eyes playfully.

Ray’s silent for a second before almost whispering, “Dying.”

Joel turns on his side to face him. “Seriously?”

“I mean, I guess I am a little. I’m just more scared of being alone then I am of dying.” Ray is facing Joel, but his eyes are closed.

“You’ll never be alone while I’m here, alright?”

Ray nods, yawning. “People leave.” He whispers.

Joel tries to swallow over the lump that’s lodged itself in his throat. “I’ll never leave you.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

 

 _I promised him I’d never leave. And, uh, I guess I kept that promise. But I was scared I wouldn’t be able to protect him, he just felt so_ much _, but maybe I could make him feel a little less alone in the world, you know?  
_

_Another time we dressed up in his mom’s clothes and took pictures. He ended up keeping most of them locked away in his desk. I...I never knew if it was because he was ashamed of them or just wanted to keep them safe. I like to think it was the latter._

 

      They’re both laughing, dressed up in Ray’s mom’s clothes. Joel is wearing a red dress with one white glove up his right arm. He has a string of pearls around his neck and there’s lipstick smudged along his cheek. He’s holding a Polaroid camera up, taking pictures of Ray wobbling around in high heels that are too big.

“Come on, we’ll take a picture of us together,” He says, catching Ray when he falls.

Ray nods, balancing himself in the blue heels. He’s wearing a big yellow hat that almost goes over his eyes, and he has on a black dress that pools around his feet, getting tangled up with the heels.

“Say ‘cheese’!” Joel shouts, taking the picture.

When the picture comes into focus, it shows both boys with flushed faces, smiling brightly. Ray’s glasses are crooked and they look like they’re about to fall over. Joel thinks it’s perfect.

He teeters over to the rest of the pictures, looking back when Ray falls over, laughing. “You wanna keep some of these?” He asks, flipping through the different pictures of them.

Ray's hat falls off. “Yeah. Take the ones you want.” 

Joel nods and picks out four of the nine and places them in a pile on the kitchen table. He sets the rest down next to that. “I left you five.”

The front door opens and closes and they both freeze as Ray’s mom comes into the kitchen. She looks shocked for a second before smiling. “Well don’t you boys look pretty," She looks to Joel. "Although your lipstick’s a bit smudged.”

“He wouldn’t keep still as I was putting it on!” Ray says, pointing at Joel.

Joel rolls his eyes. “You just suck at putting lipstick on.”

Ray’s mom laughs, putting her purse down and toeing off her shoes. “How about I start dinner and you two get changed, yeah?”

Joel nods and drags Ray with him up to his bedroom. They lose a shoe on the stairs and Ray puts his shirt on backwards, but they’re still smiling and Joel has an arm slung around his shoulders when they return.

 

_The night I graduated high school, I saw that same lonely kid that knew so much at such a young age. He was scared I was going to leave him, but I...I made a promise. And...And I love him. I was never going to leave him._

 

      Joel takes the younger to prom then ball and then he’s graduating high school, leaving a freshman Ray, who’s grown so much it almost scares him.

Ray’s smiling up at his friend, but his eyes are sad and Joel has to wait until the end of night before he can talk to him alone on the bleachers that look over the football field.

“What’s wrong?” Joel asks. He’s taken his graduation cap off, plopping it on Ray’s head instead.

“Nothing.” Ray is looking up at the stars. “I’m just gonna miss you when you leave,”

Joel frowns. “I’m not _leaving_ , I’m just going to college.”

“Same thing,” Ray sighs. “You’re gonna meet new people and make new friends and forget about me,”

“That’s not true,” Joel slings an arm around his shoulders and, after looking around to see if anyone is around, plants a kiss onto the younger's lips. “I love you,”

Ray smiles shyly up at Joel. “I love you too,” His face falls slightly then, and his shoulders curve down and in. He changes the subject. “My parents are fighting a lot again. I think it’s about me,”

“I don’t think it’s about you,” Joel disagrees, frowning.

“My dad’s upset that I’m not like a normal boy.” His voice wavers. “I guess I wasn’t what he wanted. I, I think he’s gonna leave,”

Joel uses the arm he has around shoulders to pull Ray closer to him. “If he does, it’s not because of you. It’s not your fault.”

“People leave.” Ray whispers, and Joel knows he’s not only talking about his dad.

“Sometimes.” He answers. He wraps both arms around him now, trying to protect him from the rest of the world. “But I won’t. As long as you want me, I’ll be here. And someday, I’ll even convince _you_ of that.”

 

_We never really talked about our relationship. It was always just kind of...there. We loved each other and just sorta slid from our friendship into a relationship without either of us realizing it. We were familiar with each other. I mean, we were each other's first everything...It worked for us, and I thought it would be the same after I went to college._

_But c_ _ollege soon took up a lot of my time and I was lucky if I was making it home once every two weeks. It’s not that I didn’t want to see Ray, I just didn’t have the time. He seemed to understand that though._

  _A couple years of that went by before Ray showed up at my apartment at three in the afternoon, with two backpacks and fourteen dollars in his pockets._

 

      “Hi,” Ray greets lamely. He looks tired, like he hasn’t slept in a year.

Joel blinks twice at him before letting him inside. He opens his mouth to say something - ask what’s wrong, what’s happened - but he has an armful of Ray before he can. Ray’s clinging onto him like he’s the only thing left that’s real. He hesitantly wraps his own arms around him.

“Do you still love me?” Ray asks, finally peering up at Joel with big eyes filled with fear.

“Of course,” He answers immediately.

Ray nods into his chest. “My dad left,”

“What?” Joel asks. He frowns, arms tightening just a little bit.

“He left a year ago.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Ray shrugs a bit. “You seemed busy. Didn’t wanna bother you.”

“It wouldn’t have bothered me. _You_ wouldn’t have bothered me. You never do.” Joel says.

“Sorry,” He apologizes.

Joel presses a kiss on Ray’s head. “Never apologize.” He pauses, then, “What else happened?”

Ray finally pulls away from the hug and Joel leads him to sit on the couch, wrapping his arms around him when he crawls into his lap. Ray burrows his head in Joel’s chest. “My mom went crazy,” He whispers.

“What do you mean?”

Ray sighs. “Went crazy as in started drinking a lot. My neighbors called the cops. I think they were gonna get CPS involved. I’m eighteen, I would've been homeless.”

“What about your older brother?” Joel asks.

“I didn’t want to move to another state and be even further away from you so I took a bus to get here.”

Joel smiles a little. “You took a bus?”

“Shut up,” Ray mumbles, smiling too. “You’re not...mad are you?”

“Not mad,” Joel answers. “Love you so much." 

"I love you too." He smiles and presses a desperate kiss to Joel's lips. 

Joel matches the need and presses his lips harder against the younger's, fingers pressing bruises on his hipbones. As Ray slips his hands underneath his shirt, he vaguely hopes his roommate doesn't come home from class early.

 

_Ray was always sensitive, even if he didn’t want to admit it, and when we were living together then, it was domestic bliss. He came out of his shell. I thought he was happy. I, uh, I guess we weren’t so great after all though._

_He was hell bent on believing I was the one who would leave him. I wonder if he knew that in the end,_  he _would be the one to leave_  me.

 

      It’s on a Tuesday that Joel comes home to see the car gone and a note on the kitchen table.

**Joel,**

**I’m sorry. I love you.**

**-Ray**

He isn’t sure what that means, but when he gets to the bedroom to find half of the closet gone along with a suitcase, he understands. He thinks about calling Ray but knows he wouldn’t answer if he tries. So he sits on the bed and hopes - prays - he'll come home soon.

Two weeks goes by without and word and then Joel gets a postcard from Ray informing him that he’s currently in El Paso shacking up with his cousin. Joel wonders then if it’s the same cousin who made him that tin can telephone. He also wonders if she ever got clean.

 

_I should’ve known. Should’ve called or driven out to make sure he was okay. I shouldn’t have waited. But I, I just figured he could take care of himself, you know? Find what he needed to find and then come home.  
_

_I wish I called him_ _._

 

      Joel isn’t expecting the call when he gets it. It’s from a number he doesn’t recognize but he’s hoping it might be Ray calling from a new cellphone.

“Hello?”

“Hello, is this Joel Heyman?” A female voice asks.

“Uh, yes. Who’s this?” He sets his keys down and leans against a kitchen counter

The woman clears her throat before answering. “My name is Lindsay Jones, I’m a doctor at Strong Hospital in El Paso. We have Ray Narvaez Jr. here and you were listed as his emergency contact.”

Joel’s entire world spins. “Is he, is he okay? What happened?”

“A woman brought him in saying he overdosed on heroin. He’s in stable condition now, staying in room 352.”

“Oh, oh my God. I’ll uh, I’ll be there as soon as I can.” Joel’s already out the door and in his car.

She makes an agreeing noise. “I’ll inform him of that when we wakes up. I’ll see you soon then.” She hangs up before Joel can respond.

The drive to El Paso has Joel feeling tenser than he’s ever remembered feeling. How come Ray used heroin? Where did he even get the money for it? Why was he using it? Was he okay? Why didn’t he call him or ask for help? Why didn’t he just come _home_?

He nearly gives the receptionist a heart attack when he rushes in, not bothering to stop, just going right to the elevator pressing the button repeatedly.

“You know pressing the button doesn’t make it arrive any faster?” A voice says behind him.

He turns to see the doctor he talked to before standing there holding a clipboard. He rubs the back of his neck sheepishly. “Yeah, I’m just, uh, kinda anxious. It’s not really everyday I get a call from a hospital about someone I love overdosing.”

Lindsay gives him a reassuring smile. “I get that. I don’t like making those calls. I can bring you up to him if you want.”

“Thanks.” Joel smiles back.

Ray is sleeping when they get to the room and he looks so much frailer than Joel can ever remember seeing him. There’s an IV in his right arm and his glasses are sitting on a table next to him. Joel sits down in the hard plastic seat next to the bed.

“There’s no heroin in his system anymore, but I would recommend he stay with someone while he gets clean,” Lindsay says.

Joel nods. “Yeah. Uh, yeah. He can stay with me.”

She smiles again. “He’s lucky to have someone like you, you know.”

“Yeah...I’m lucky to still have him.”

The doctor doesn’t say anything else before leaving and closing the door softly behind her.

He puts his head in his hands. “What did you do? Why did you do it? You could’ve come home. You can’t fucking die, okay? Promised I’d never leave you, please don’t leave me. I love you, I love you so much. Please don’t leave me.” He’s muttering nonsense now, babbling words that can’t seem to stop pouring from his mouth.

“I’m sorry.”

Joel looks up from his hands to see Ray awake, blinking over at him. He swallows. “Oh my God.” He leans forward, tipping the chair on its front two legs, and drapes over Ray, hugging him. “Oh my God. Don’t...Don’t apologize. Never apologize.”

Ray’s hand comes up to stroke through Joel’s hair. “Didn’t mean to.” He pauses before saying, “I missed you.”

"Missed you too,” Joel whispers. “Was waiting for you to come home.”

“I know, I know. I should’ve come home,” Ray chokes on a sob.

“You’ll come home with me right?”

“Always.”

 

_I think Ray always knew how his story would go, how his story would end. I think he wrote his own ending when he was ten and we were talking through those tin cans. He was so certain he would die young and alone and it terrified him. And while he was right about dying young at twenty five, he was wrong about dying alone. He was never alone and he was always loved._

 

      In the week between Ray dying and now, Joel laid in bed, crying and drinking heavily to fill the gaping hole in his heart. He drank because maybe he would feel something other than this cold emptiness. Maybe he would be able to get out of bed and _move_ again.

 

_For a long period of time, I didn’t think this life was possible of living. I felt so small in this huge world, I’m just one tiny person out of billions, but Ray made this life possible for me. And I’m, I’m happy he’s finally found some peace, something he couldn’t seem to find here. I...I loved him, I still love him, and I'll keep my promise._

Joel doesn't cry when he finishes his speech, and he isn't crying now as they lower Ray's coffin into the ground because, right now, he has to be strong. Strong for Ray’s mom who hasn’t stopped sobbing since the funeral started, strong for Ray’s brother who’s soaking the shoulder of his tuxedo with tears, strong for Ray because even after all this time, he still feels like he needs to put on a brave face and protect him.

People pass by and give him condolences, and Ray’s brother promises to call him later, and then Joel’s left alone, standing in front of a gravestone that has the name of a person far too young to be in the ground. He crouches sets a rose down on the dirt.

“You’ll never be alone while I’m here.” He whispers, repeating that promise he made all those years ago. “I love you.”

He starts to walk away, hands tucked into his pockets. He spares a glance back and sees a small yellow bird perched on Ray’s gravestone looking at him with a cocked head. He nods to it and it chirps back at him. He starts to walk away again, finding it a little easier to move this time, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

Maybe it’s a good omen.

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah. This was...a thing. Sigh.  
> [Stalk me on tumblr!](http://exterminatorviolence.tumblr.com/)


End file.
